author and triathleteTHE PRINCESS AND THE HOUND—2005, 81,000 words
As published in 2007—110,000 words
This is how the first chapter reads in the 2005 version:
Prince George could not remember seeing his father without the crown on his head, except perhaps in bed, and even
then the imprint on his temples was clear enough. But the crown did not matter one way or another. King Davit was seeped
in his kingship. It was part of every movement he made. Even when George was alone with him, he was still the king, telling
George this story or that one, always with a message of some kind that was important to remember. For the kingdom, from the king.
The problem with this paragraph is that it is all telling, without any specific examples of showing the king and his relationship with his son. The crown on his head is a great symbol of the way in which Davit is king, but the story needs more than symbol, particularly since the relationship between Davit and George is perhaps the most important one in the novel.
So I added a few snippets of scene with other characters, and then a more extended scene that showed the interaction of King Davit and a very young Prince George:
Prince George could not remember seeing his father without the crown on his head, except perhaps in bed, and even then the imprint on his temples was clear enough. But the crown could have been melted down or stolen away and it would not have mattered to King Davit’s kingship. George could see it in every movement his father made.
When the King spoke to Cook Elin, he always complimented her on her choices, how well suited her cheese was to her tart, how her salad reflected the colors of the autumn mountains in the distance. George had no idea if his father liked the flavor of the salad, of the texture of the tart. He did not know if his father knew, either. Only that the King approved.
When King Davit spoke to the scarred and muscular Lord General of the mounted army, he nodded and agreed with the choice of which mare to match with which stallion, and talked wisely of the best way to deal with the men who had been made cripples or deaf-mutes by the effects of the war at last over. George had no sense of what the war had been like for his father, whether he had been afraid of the sound of the enemy’s war cry, as had the guardsman at the gate. Or if he had vomited at the stench of the dead, as had the woman who had served some time as a waterbearer. The war was the kingdom’s war, and so it had been fought.
Even when George was alone with his father, it seemed there was no difference. The King told George the story of the baker who had made too many loaves, but at the end of the day would give none of them to the poor, and then found that in the morning, they had been eaten by mice instead.
The King also told George the story of the innkeeper who talked so much that he used up his throat and was ever afterwards trying to make signs with his hands to be understood. He told of the seamstress who left an unfinished seam in a fancy ball gown, thinking that surely it would never be noticed, who went to the ball herself to watch the gown gradually spin away from the wearer until she stood in nothing but her undergarments, and her wrath for her betrayal.
In the stories, there was always a message that was important for George to remember. For the Prince of Kendel, from the King. Never a story for fun, with magic and wildness, with adventures and threatenings and the promise of more to come. Never a story that made George want to cry, or to laugh, or to dance. Only a story to make him think.
And though George had seen the King’s servants take off their serving uniforms and play like children in the castle baths, or outside, past the moat, in throwing or wrestling games, he never saw his father play. His father smiled when it was right for the King to smile. He frowned to show the King’s disapproval. He was always right and good, but he never felt a father.
Chapter Two of the 2005 version of THE PRINCESS AND THE HOUND begins with George’s mother’s death by a boar, and George goes out into the forest soon afterwards and confronts a boar. My editor felt that the reader needed still a better sense of his relationship with his mother and possibly a chance for George to learn more about magic from her, since she is his only source of information for pretty much the entire book. (And thus also the reader’s only source of information).
One snippet I added to show the queen’s relationship to the king, and to soften the reader’s perception of the king later on in the novel. For me, it’s always useful to show how a person sees himself in his own mind, compared to his experiences, and though King Davit isn’t one to judge himself so liberally, his wife is:
“I think that I admire him most of all for his fairness to all. He does not make summary judgments as his father did. At the beginning of his reign some saw him as weak, but he has never been that.” Her voice was fierce. “He is so deep to himself that I sometimes wonder if I will ever come to the end of him.”
But George did not like to hear about how much his mother loved his father. He wanted her only to love him. And perhaps horses and other animals, as he did, but no more than that.
The other story I added starts at first as a story about a young girl whose father is a traveling veterinarian of sorts, but it turns out to also be the story of her childhood and the death of her father. I think it is very effective at making the reader care more about her as a character and at the same time telling about the back story of the novel, the climate of the kingdom regarding animal magic.
Now, for a place where I cut. In the 2005 version of THE PRINCESS AND THE HOUND, I wanted to make sure that the reader understood who the bear was and why he was important to the story, so when George shares dreams with the bear, he sees the whole story of the prologue from the bear’s point of view:
George wondered if there was some way for the bear to stop the dreams. He went back to the forest now and again in search of the bear, half fearing he would actually find it. But he never did. And the bear, in its dreams, did not seem to think of George at all, or even remember him as the little boy whom he had begged for—something.
But the dreams went on.
And they were not only of the bear’s current life. There were also dreams of a man’s world. A wealthy, old man who regretted his own youth and the way he had spent. A man who missed running in bare feet through grass, and laughing out loud at his own foolish attempt to juggle.
More than once, George saw bits and pieces of the legend of what seemed to be King Richon and the Wild Man, as well. But they were not quite as he had heard them. Was that because the legend was wrong? Or because even the bear could no longer remember what was real and what was not?
For one thing, the picture of the wild man was not as it was told in the stories. He was not disheveled or red-eyed. Rather, he worse comfortable farmer’s clothes, thick breeches and a short, loose tunic that could be rolled up for any necessity. His hair was golden-colored, and his cheeks were tanned, but not burnt. His face looked kindly. Such a man could not be kindly, not if he had done what he had. Surely not.
But the bear’s dreams were never angry with the wild man. And the bear did not think evil of the animal magic.
It seemed to think that what had been done was just and right, and that would simply have to be the way of it. But it
did long still for human things, for the small memories of his own childhood as a prince. And George could understand that very well.
My editor suggested that I cut this. It’s another case where I think I was beating the reader a bit over the head and not allowing the reader to come to her own conclusions about what was unfolding in the story. Part of the joy (I hope) in THE PRINCESS AND THE HOUND is the mystery of the story. George and the reader are truly surprised by what happens because they understand so little of the forbidden magic. To make it so clear who the bear is takes away from that.
Instead:
George wondered if there was some way for the bear to stop the dreams. He went back to the woods now and again, half fearing he would actually find the creature. But he never did. And the bear, in its dreams, did not seem to think of George at all, or even remember him as the little boy whom he had begged for—something.
In time, the dreams changed. Or became something else altogether. It was all so confusing to George. He had only had dreams of the bear before, but then there were bits and pieces of a man’s world mixed in with them. A wealthy man, well-dressed, who rode the best horses.
Sometimes George thought the horse rides were hunts, but he never caught a glimpse of any creature that was being hunted, or the end of the hunt, either. The man mixed in with the bear was a man who loved the feel of his bare feet on wet grass, a man who had tried and tried again to learn to juggle and never learned how.
George saw him meeting young ladies at this ball or another one, and how they tittered and made eyes at him. The man was embarrassed and determined never to marry, not one of them. But then he was so lonely, and had to pretend that he was not. He watched his friends with their children and envied them that pleasure that could not be his.
In the 2005 version of THE PRINCESS AND THE HOUND, Prince George is introduced to the reader at seventeen like this:
At seventeen years old, Prince George had grown to his full height. He looked more like his dark-eyed, delicate featured mother than his father, yet he was known to lack the love of animals that had defined her. It was said he was kind to all who came his way, but no one seemed to know much of him at all, from what color he preferred to his favorite dinner, to a book or a dance he would leave all company to pursue.
When King Helm of Sarrey offered a betrothal to his daughter Beatrice, there seemed to be no question that George would do his duty.
In the 2006 version of THE PRINCESS AND THE HOUND, like this:
At seventeen years old, Prince George was still not as tall as his father. In fact, he looked more like his dark-eyed, delicate-featured mother than his father in almost every way, yet he was known to lack the love of animals that had defined her. He rode a horse passably well, but not with his mother’s passion. He was known to refuse point-blank the gift of any pet, from the grand offer of a green-collared rolluff brought all the way from the southern province of Jolla to the black tom-kitten handed him by a grubby peasant girl at the Autumn Moon Festival.
He was also known to exit a chamber directly when a traveling singer began any tale. He claimed it was because he had no taste for music, and those who had heard him play the lute when he was younger would not dispute it. They said it was a terrible sound, akin to the howlings of a wolf in the forest for a fallen mate. And they were very grateful the King had given him permission at last to give up the lute and learn drawing instead. Drawing was quiet, at least. And the Prince had a talent for it. He would not draw any of the ladies who asked him, nor scenes of the palace, but focused his attention on still-lifes and natural scenes sometimes painted solitarily from the window of his own bedchamber.
Those who served the Prince had never a bad word for him. They spoke easily of his kindness and generosity. And yet they did not think of him as a friend. They knew him, and yet if asked, not one of them would have been able to say what color tunic the Prince preferred of all of those in his wardrobe, or what his favorite feast food was.
Since the King had become ill more than a year before, George had begun to do much to keep the kingdom running smoothly. He worked well with his father’s council. That seemed obvious when it came to Sir Stephen, who had returned to his post as the King’s right-hand man, now that George was finished with his years needing a tutor.
However, George could also manage a well-mannered conversation with the Lord General, though the man made no attempt to keep back his disdain for a prince who could not hold his seat on a horse as well as a cavalryman. No one who heard the two speaking together would have any reason to believe that the Prince returned the Lord General’s dislike, no matter how often it came up in conversation.
That was the duty of the Prince. And the Prince always did his duty.
So when King Helm of Sarrey offered a betrothal to his daughter Beatrice, there was no question what George’s answer would be. For nearly all of his seventeen years, there had been an uneasy truce between the two kingdoms following the great war, and now was the chance to resolve that. How could he refuse?
There are times when you don’t want to show instead of tell. It takes longer and it slows down the pace of the story. I was conscious of this as I was rewriting THE PRINCESS AND THE HOUND. But a fantasy requires a certain amount of backstory. That is one element that makes the novel longer. Another element was the focus on development of Prince George. I love the romance in the book, but it is told from Prince George’s point of view and I think the reader cares so much about Prince George finding love because of who is he and his life up to that point. So it seemed worth it to me to spend an extra page describing what he was like to those who saw him from the outside in the castle at that age.